5 Times T'Pol failed to have sex and the 1 time she did
by Frakme
Summary: Crackfic based around Harbinger. T'Pol & others. Hints of Reed/Sato and Archer/Hernandez. Not canon compliant at all. Small amount of sexual content but nothing explicit.


**This came about from one of my 'Infinite Universes' drabbles, "What a Mistake to Make!". LoyaulteMeLie made a comment that lead to a plot bunny. So you can blame her for it (not really!). It's turned out rather cracky.**

**It is not in any way, shape or form canon compliant. And it takes the mick out of the scene in Harbinger where T'Pol tells Trip it's an experiment.**

**But frankly after the assassination job the writers did on T'Pol's character in season 3, this can't be any worse...**

**There are hints of Reed/Sato and Archer/Hernandez but I'm being evil by not revealing the final pairing...**

* * *

><p><strong>1.<strong>

T'Pol stood up, after the end of their neuropressure session and Trip stood up to face her, expecting a dismissal. But what she did was completely unexpected.

She dropped the robe she was wearing, much to his astonishment. She was wearing nothing underneath, making him squirm uncomfortably.

"What the..?" Trip backed away from the naked woman in front of him. His eyes darted frantically around the room, seeking an escape route. _Maybe I should get Phlox_, he thought. _Perhaps there's something wrong with her!_

"Do you not want me, Commander?" A barely perceptible frown marred the Vulcan's beautiful face and Trip looked at her in chagrin, keeping his eyes on her face.

"No! I mean, you're no doubt gorgeous. But I thought you knew?"

T'Pol picked up her robe and shrugged it back on, feeling discomfited.

"What am I supposed to know?"

"I'm gay," he said. "I'm only attracted to men!"

"I apologise, Commander, I was unaware." She now realised why he was always so keen to watch water polo with the captain.

"We'll keep it between us, okay?" he said, with an embarrassed smile and left.

She thought about her unsuccessful attempt at sexual experimentation.

Perhaps Lieutenant Reed would be amenable? He had seem reluctant to refuse her when those microbes sent her into _Pon Farr…_

She simply had to find him.

* * *

><p><strong>2.<strong>

"Lieutenant Reed, may I have a moment of your time?"

Malcolm looked up to see T'Pol in one of her skintight catsuits.

"Of course, Commander. How can I help you?"

"I am concerned about a possible security breach. Please come to my quarters, I have the information there."

Reed nodded and dutifully followed the Commander, curious. They entered and she shut the door.

"I apologise for the deception," she said. "However there is no security breach. I simply wish to have sex with you. I appreciate the reasons you refused me last time but I they are not valid now. I know you find me attractive and are heterosexual. Unlike Commander Tucker."

"Wh-?" Reed spluttered, as she peeled out of her uniform, completely naked.

"No!" he said, backing towards the door. "Besides, Hoshi would pitch a fit!" He opened the door and fled.

"I was unaware that Reed was involved romantically with Ensign Sato," she said out loud.

Would the captain be willing to help her? After all he was under a lot of stress and she had learned from Dr. Phlox that Humans considered sex as a form of stress relief. With that in mind, she went to seek the captain.

* * *

><p><strong>3.<strong>

"Captain," said T'Pol, walking into his ready room. "I must ask a favour of you."

"Make it quick, T'Pol, gotta lot of intel to look through." T'Pol did not allow herself to be put off by his gruff tone.

"You seem… stressed. I am concerned; stress will have a negative impact on your productivity and your overall health. You must remain in optimum condition for this mission."

"In case you hadn't noticed," he retorted sarcastically, "We're in the middle of unknown, dangerous space trying to stop the Human race being wiped out, with a ship that is being held together by chewing gum and baling wire. How exactly do you propose I de-stress?"

T'Pol responds by taking off her uniform.

"Sex is a stress reliever. I consider it part of my duties to relieve your stress."

Archer looked at her, horrified. _Jeez, if Erika ever got wind of this!_

"Put your clothes back on, Commander, now! And report to sickbay!"

T'Pol did as she was bid and left, embarrassed and frustrated. She headed to sickbay, having no inclination to disobey the captain.

As she entered, she thought that Phlox, who was always fascinated by other species mating rituals, might be willing to help her.

* * *

><p><strong>4.<strong>

"Ah, Commander, what can I do for you today?"

"I have been ordered to report to sickbay," she said. "It appears I made an inappropriate sexual advance on the captain."

"Hmm? And what made you do that?"

"I wish to experiment in sexuality. Perhaps you would be amenable to helping me?"

"As much as I would like to oblige you, Commander, I'm afraid that won't be possible."

T'Pol frowned slightly.

"Could you explain why?"

"I have, as you know, have been doing extensive research into alien sexuality. I fear that if I have sex with you, my judgement may be impaired when I come to formulate my conclusions."

"I see, Doctor. That seems highly logical, I commend you. I shall have to seek help elsewhere."

"Young Ensign Mayweather is very strong and virile, with a healthy sex drive. Perhaps you could try him?"

"Thank you Doctor," she said. "I shall take your advice under consideration."

T'Pol left sickbay, considering the helmsman. He was indeed aesthetically pleasing and well built. Being young and with a physique that suggested he worked hard on building muscle mass, he was likely to be stronger than the average Human. She checked with the computer as to his location.

* * *

><p><strong>5.<strong>

She found Mayweather in the gym, working out. She watched for a few minutes, admiring his sweat sheened muscles as he completed his reps.

"Ensign," she said, as she stepped over to where he was just finished with the leg press.

"Commander," Travis smiled a wide and sunny smile. "Can I help you?"

"You can, Ensign. I require data on sexuality. I wish to have sex with you to acquire that data."

"Woah!" gasped Travis, gobsmacked. He glanced around the room, thankful the gym was empty. "You can't be serious?" _Is it more of those microbes?_ he wondered.

"Perfectly, Ensign. And I have locked the door of the gym." Once again she stripped off her uniform.

Travis backed away nervously.

"Look, you're really, really attractive and part of me would like to say yes. But I'm an ensign and you're a commander… we'd be breaking a whole mess of anti-frat regulations. And with all that's going on in the expanse, I think we need our minds focused on our jobs."

"I see," she said. "You make a logical argument. Perhaps I should see someone not in the rank structure. Phlox has already declined my request."

"There's only Chef, who's not in the rank structure."

"An excellent suggestion, Ensign, thank you." She put her uniform back on and left.

Yes, Chef would be an excellent choice. He was rarely seen by the crew, so she need not cross his path too often. And perhaps he would be amenable to serving more _plomeek_ soup if she satisfied him sexually…

* * *

><p><strong>+1<strong>

She entered the galley, to see Chef trying to sort out ingredients for the next meal. She took a few minutes to observe him. He was very attractive, as tall as Commander Tucker, broad as Ensign Mayweather, with a commanding presence much as Captain Archer's. She also noted he had a pleasing voice, like Lieutenant Reed's and soft, curly hair rather like Phlox's.

"Chef," she said. "A moment of your time."

"Ah, my favourite Vulcan," he said with a wide smile. "How can I help you? Was the _plomeek_ soup not to your liking?"

"It was surprisingly authentic; I thank you. However, that is not what I am here for. I require a male to have sex with and I have selected you."

"Really? I am very flattered. The crew barely notice me," he said sadly. "I don't think any of them know what I look like, except for the stewards and the Captain, of course."

She stepped up to him and laid a hand on his arm.

"I have." She then stripped off. "Is there somewhere we can go where we can be comfortable?"

He lead her to the pantry where the dry goods were stored. He found a couple of fire blankets to lay on the floor and stripped off, showing a well muscled physique and nicely shaped cock. He then proceeded to make slow, passionate love to the Vulcan woman, discovering erogenous zones she didn't even know she had.

Afterwards, she kissed him lightly.

"Thank you, Chef. I have much data to ponder. And if I should require a repeat?"

"You know where to find me, my beautiful Vulcan."

"I would appreciate some more _plomeek_ soup."

T'Pol dressed and left, feeling quite content.


End file.
